Urban Village of Pasadena

For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.
-- Matthew 19:12 NIV

"Eunuch". I was eleven or twelve when I first found that word in my Bible, and my fascination with it must have stuck with me throughout the years, for when the time came for my wife and I to choose the Gospel passage to be read at our wedding I immediately thought of Matthew 19:3-12. I'm guessing that most ceremonies usually stop at verse six -- the rest of the passage doesn't sound quite so upbeat -- but Glory and I insisted that we include verses seven through twelve because we wanted to begin our marriage with our wide eyes open, knowing that marriage can be difficult; we also wanted the many singles attended our wedding to hear the words of Jesus telling them that singleness is just as valid a way of following God as being married.

I want my readers to hear these same words today.

It's been difficult not to notice the great number of children who have been born to parents in our church this past year. We ourselves brought forth a child ten months ago, and it was the advent of our son in conjunction with the seemingly weekly announcements of new pregnancies that have caused me to survey our congregation and take note of its distribution between the married and unmarried. Those in the married camp have consistently outnumbered those in the unmarried, and I fear that one day most of those who currently belong to the latter will eventually be assimilated like Borg into the former. I know that other singles will come to take their place, but I wonder how many of those new singles will choose celibacy -- not "succumb to" or "resign themselves to" -- but *choose* it as a lifelong vocation, and I wonder how many students here at the seminary where I work can and will do the same.

As I've gotten older maybe I've just become, ironically, more prejudiced against other married folk, or maybe I wish I could devote the same amount of time and energy to some of the activities I was involved with as a single person. It probably doesn't matter; I just wish more Christians followed the path of singleness. Being single has its advantages, very significant ones that one might not realize until they're gone. I'm not talking about trivial things like being able to hit Vegas with your buddies on an hour's notice, though such trips can be quite an adventure, but rather those that St. Paul must have been thinking of when he wrote to the church in Corinth:

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman and the virgin are anxious about the affairs of the Lord, so that they may be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about the affairs of the world, how to please her husband. I say this for your benefit, not to put any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and unhindered devotion to the Lord.
(1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NRSV)

Though he penned these words two thousand years ago to an audience very different from mine, some things never really change. It's still true that once you get married, a lot of your time turns to activities that you simply didn't have to worry about before: choosing a new paint color for the kitchen, for example, or making sure that last night's dishes are wished and your son is fed before you go off to work. And, just like then, "devotion to the Lord" (v. 35) can mean a lot things, not just working as a missionary or becoming a religious. It can mean spending hours interrupted in a meditative state, creating art that is so beautiful and inspiring that it brings joy to those who view it. It can mean spending weeks and months negotiating with peers and managers at work in the hopes of bringing about a new arrangement that will improve the lot of a theretofore ignored minority. Both of these can be considered ministries, "unhindered devotion to the Lord" and, while in and of itself a good thing, marriage can distract one from such pursuits. It all depends on how you intend to spend your time after marriage, the needs and wants of your future spouse, and what your life will look like when those are brought together.

Some might not mind sacrificing some of the time we spend on current activities, projects, and hobbies. In fact the main reason some might want to get married is to find stability, to find some way of waylaying the anxiety or loneliness that might affront us here and there. Part of the problem, of course, is that we live in a world where people move a lot and where relationships are sort of held at a distance (both figuratively as well as geographically), or if not, easily exchanged for another should some type of conflict arise. We hope that one very meaningful relationship, our future marriage, can help mitigate those feelings of isolation that we rightly feel. However, couples - and families - need friends, too, not to mention a supportive community, less they become insular and stagnant.

This world that God so dearly loves needs needs both married couples as well as single people as well as strong communities in which both can flourish. Should you choose singleness, there will undoubtedly be those who will pity you for doing so and inwardly believe that such a choice will forever keep you from finding your place in life. Never mind that Jesus was single, right? But believe me when I say that there are many ways to find one's place in life, so try to find a way that's most fitting for you. Being married may or may not be that way; or, perhaps like one of my friends you'll have the freedom to accomplish some really amazing things the first six decades of your life before you settle down with that special someone. Who's to say? Personally, I love being married, but I know and confess that a lot of the energy I spent in trying to get to the altar was spent trying to acquire that which I already possessed: friendship, meaning, and people who loved me. If I could go back and do it all over again I wouldn't worry as much as I did about trying to find a spouse: I'm fairly certain my life would have turned out OK either way.

[ Originally published in joebautista.blogspot.com in early 2010]