Urban Village of Pasadena

Back when I was fighting depression in my early 20s I stumbled across the book "Freedom from the Performance Trap" by David Seamands. It really convicted me. The first anecdote was about a young man who came to Seamands for pastoral counsel with regards to his persistent feelings of negativity and inadequacy. Seamands' first response to the young man had been to query him about prayer and Bible study habits, but upon discovering that before the onslaught of these feelings he was already praying and reading the Bible regularly, and afterward had begun to pray and read the Bible even more, David was initially at a lost to know what to tell him. Whether or not Dr. Seamands was able to pinpoint perfectionism as the root of the young man's problems at the time, or whether or not Dr. Seamands had realized it later, I don't remember, but I do remember thinking to myself that I, too, suffered from a perfectionist spirit and that perhaps, like the young man in the story, I suffered from depression because of this.

I've given a lot of thought to the evil of perfectionism. I've finally accepted the fact that I can't out think my perfectionism. Sometimes, in my head, I would try to recollect interactions or experiences that may have contributed to infusing that quality into my being, thinking that if I could undo them through a type of retro-analysis, I could heal myself. So far that hasn't worked; it just tends to make my brain hurt. Another book that has influenced me is Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now." That and my experience with Joy and Hans' Sangha in Altadena have taught me how to take a break in the midst of the situations when I feel assaulted by my perfectionism. It is then that I relax. It is then that I pause and breathe. When I do this, I allow the monkey chatter - as it's often called in self-help circles - to cease, and (probably because my stress levels are lowered as a result) I'm able to discover solutions to problems theretofore where hidden behind my veil of anxiety.

Part of me wants to blame my father for a lot of how I am. (When I say "how I am" I mean a lot of the negative characteristics of my persona that I find inhibit me in truly enjoying life and being, how should I put it, well, less of a dick.) Adult Children of Alcoholics was very instrumental in helping me see how trauma we experience in our adult life can have its origins in how we were raised by our parents. But once I made that connection, I wasn't really sure how to move on. Now I realize that the first step is to breathe.

Our bodies are amazing instruments of self-revelation. If we listen closely enough, we can hear our bodies tell us that it's experiencing stress, which in turn tells us that something is indeed bothering us. Perhaps we find ourselves caught in a predicament we ourselves agreed to, sometime in the past, but now, deep down, find unacceptable. Perhaps a seed of fear or of worry regarding a potential future event was planted in our minds and now after having taken root, the seed has sprouted and grown enough so that our conscious demands that we uproot it.

It pays to listen to our bodies. Now, as I write this, I recall my friend's words about finding a quiet place to meditate to clear our minds while at the same time listening to them, to let the subconscious come to the surface. One way we can sanctify such a time of meditation is to invite Jesus. Perhaps we can invite him to teach us during that time - "Lord, speak to me." This approach is what I would term active - too active for me, because for me such a prayer would make me want to sift through the thoughts coming in my head, trying to figure out which ones are from God and which ones aren't - the type of analysis and mental activity that often accompanies my perfectionism. A better prayer for me is, "Lord, help me to hear you." For me, this prayer requires only that I allow myself to be open to what may come to me, not necessarily that I judge it or analyze it as it comes, but simply that I quiet myself enough to be able to hear it. I know my distinction between the two prayers may not make much sense to some readers, so if you find yourself to be one of them, don't get stuck on this. The important thing is that we find prayers and ways of praying that bring us closer to God and often we can find out whether or not that is happening by listening to our bodies.

I don't believe my perfectionism can be undone through an analysis and recollection of (suspected) past formative experiences, but I do believe that I can introduce positive energies into my present life which will help erode that perfectionism in those key moments when I am instinctively drawn to criticize myself. We can always focus on why a certain decision was stupid or lame or short-sighted, but unless we were under the influence of some type of drug or were overcome with rage or anger in a moment of decision, most decisions at the time they were made, have some good underlying reason behind them. It pays to remember that and to affirm those when we feel like beating ourselves down.

Today I suffer from severe inflammation of the breathing passages in my nose. I firmly believe that such inflammation is a direct result of a surgery I opted to undergo back in my mid 20s. It's probably one of the biggest regrets of my life. I often feel a sense of frustration and even guilt for my decision. But (and here's an example of the self-talk I just described above) I was young when I made the decision. I suffered from sinus problems and I trusted certain professionals who pointed out physical abnormalities regarding my septum and sinuses. I trusted these people and didn't assume anything cold go wrong with the surgery. I did read that one approach to performing the surgery could compromise the health of the passages, but after telling the doctor my concern, I wasn't sure what to think, because he seemed to worry more about the pragmatic aspects of being able to perform the surgery than the long-term side effects of shaving off certain parts of the breathing apparatus.

We can choose to speak loving words to ourselves at those times. And if we can't find those words we can ask God to give them to us. "Help me to find the words that I need to hear," can be one prayer. Or, "Help me to hear the words you want me to hear." Sometimes when we don't have the capacity to love ourselves we need to surrender even the attempt to love ourselves to God. It is in this surrender that we empower ourselves through our humility. For some reason I think of the book of Jude where in the ninth verse the author tells of how the Archangel Michael refrains from directly accusing the devil but instead hands over such an attack to God himself. Oftentimes, this is how we need to deal with those dark places in our lives, not by directly assaulting them, but by surrendering them to our Higher Power.